Orange Juice is a conspiracy!

Ah hello there, whippersnapper! Are you ready to be regailed in a tale of blood and glory, death and honour, love and hate, peace and war?

...

...

...

'Cause we don't have any of those here in Forge Monkey territory. I can, however, teach you the truths of Orange Juice. Let me start you off with the proper mindset; clear your mind of all you know of orange juice. Don't enter with an opinionated mind. Now, let me carefully explain to you what orange juice is and why it's evil!

For your reading ease, I have numbered the main points.

1. The "Orange" juice in question is not, in fact, orange at all! It's actually yellow! Seriously, I can't make this stuff up. Look it up on the internet, if you dare, but do so at your own risk. You never know what kind of viruses those orange-juice-loving web sites have.

2. This "Orange" juice, (henceforth known as O.J.) is segregated into two seperate clans. These warlike clans have a barbaric culture, and equally barbaric practices to go along with them! The two main clans are "Non-pulp" and "Pulp". They have been warring for centuries, but I shall fill you in on pulp later.

3. O.J. is not the juice of an actual fruit, as they tell you, (Seriously? An "orange fruit with an orange color that makes yellow juice? Pshaw!) but is actually ectoplasm of narwhals. Assuming that a narwhal is a great wizard, or particularly vengeful, they will leave an impression of themselves upon this Earth. It does not forgive, and it does not forget, and it leaves a trail of unrefined O.J. wherever it goes.

Now for the full picture!

The previously mentioned trails left by narwhal ghosts are not actually O.J. as you know it, but more of a sludge. The sludge is quickly scooped up with buckets by a dedicated team of ghost watchers, who bring it back to their lab. In the laboratory, this sludge is tortured with electricity and re-runs of daytime television and game shows.

Once suitably tortured, the sludge itself becomes sentient out of pure rage. this sentient sludge is seperated into two main groups (as mentioned earlier), pulp, and non pulp. Pulpy O.J. contains traces of the Narwhal's life force, its "Being", if you will. The other clan, non-pulp, lacks the rage transmitted through the narwhal-essence-pulp, but it also lacks all Earthly empathy, and has a secret desire to kill each and every one of us with a grape. (It's better not to think of it, TRUST me!)

These two clans HATE each other, as they seem to think the other keeps them from reaching their true human-killing potential. They will frequently attack each other in the night, and will, after knocking a carton unconcious, tattoo it with an "Expiration date". This expiration date is many things in O.J. culture, including (but not limited to!);

a sign of disrespect,

a specific date in which they will be attacked by invisible narwhal rage, thus ruining the taste,

a marking of that specific O.J.'s weakness.

and a constant reminder that there is NO safe place for orange juice to eat, sleep, and putt-putt.

Once a specimen has demonstrated weakness by being tattood is is discarded by its own clan, and thrown onto the shelves of grocery stores to be executed at the mouths of humans.

That is most of the knowledge we currently have pertaining to the Orange Juice's culture, behavior, and reason of existance. Little is known yet, such as motives, religion, and favorite pastry.

Until next time, this is your favorite O.J. researcher, Forge Monkey, signing out.